reality check.

Hi, I'm Lindsey and I'm a reality TV watcher.

Go ahead. Judge away.

But before you get too deep in your disappointment in me, let me qualify this statement by saying that I'm *selective* about my reality television. Only the highest quality trash TV for me, folks!

For years I avoided the reality behemoth that is Bachelor Nation. I fought it. I sneered and rolled my eyes when people would talk about it. I used it as an example of the type of reality television that is beneath me.

But friends, I come to you today to humbly confess: I'm all in. I'm up to my eyeballs in Bachelor Nation-- every. stinking. branch. The Bachelor, The Bachelorette: you betcha. Bachelor in Paradise: don't mind if I do. Bachelor Winter Olympics: that dumpster fire? oooooh yes. sure did.

NO SHAME IN MY BACHELOR GAME.

So it comes as no surprise that I am anxiously awaiting the premiere of the next season: The Bachelorette. 

Arie's trash is another man's treasure... maybe. Becca Kufrin returns to avenge her broken heart, and I've got thoughts on her potential suitors.

ALEX: Not gonna lie: I think Alex is a cutie. He’s got the looks— and possibly the money?— to be a Bachelor one day. Definitely a contender for Bachelor in Paradise (BIP).

BLAKE: At first glance, I am unimpressed by Blake. His face is wide and his hair is tall and flat like a mesa in the deserts of Arizona. However, I remember him from After the Final Rose (AFTR), and his presentation there grew on me. So I will give him the benefit of the doubt.

CHASE: Snake oil salesman. My intuition tells me that this guy is a creep. That feeling is only emphasized by the fact that Chase already has the Party Button open in his Bio pic. Get serious, mister.

CHRIS: This guy looks like Adam Goldberg, who always plays a douche bag with a supreme lack of self-awareness. So I can only assume that’s exactly who Chris is.

CHRISTIAN: First thought: looks tiny. I bet this guy is barely 5’9. Also, the soul patch. Come on. And FURTHERMORE, I’m super uncomfortable with his sweatshirt/t-shirt with rolled sleeves. Bye, Felicia.

CHRISTON: Not bad looking, although I can’t tell if his haircut is on purpose or if he’s balding. But I do appreciate his formal look. This man is ready to play ball.

CLAY: All I see is Kenny 2.0. Does he have a young daughter that will be a distraction throughout the show? Seems almost definite. Much like Raven and Tia/Raven 2.0, this feels like a re-run. 

COLTON: At first glance, he’s cute. But the longer I stare, the more I wonder if he isn’t TOO cute. Will he be playing the part of the self-involved racist this season? (what was that guy’s name??) Definite BIP candidate.

CONNOR: Hair is too tall. Apparently he’s involved in drama, which is disappointing because that means the producers are going to keep him around and I am less than interested in this guy. Also of note: he has TWO buttons undone. Lock it up, Connor. This isn't Saturday night on The Strip.

DARIUS: V attractive. According to the good people at Betches, Darius is a "God guy." While this makes me want to pull for him, I also have to ask myself if this is the best place for his "ministry"....

DAVID: I give him a 7/10 at first look, but the fact that he shows up in a chicken suit is a major letdown. LAME. An “incident that will go down in Bachelor history”— please oh please be gay. Now *that* would be eventful.

GARRETT: I’m so shallow and terrible and just the worst. But this is about honesty, and G’s eyes are honestly too far apart. Despite that, something about his demeanor is calming to me. I predict he’ll go far.

GRANT: Ew. 🙅🏼‍Grant is an electrician, which I respect, so *maybe* he'll have a salt-of-the-earth/good-guy persona that I'll find endearing, but based solely on looks (see above note about the depth of my shallowness), gotta go with a pass on Grant.

JAKE: My *only* interest in Jake is the past that Harrison is teasing. Let’s get that out of the way and send Jake packing, undoubtedly on a one-way trip to BIP.

JASON: I am affirmatively NOT into Jason's slicked back hair, and yet something about Jason makes me want to pull for him. He’s got a Nice Guy vibe about him.

JEAN BLANC: I cannot take your name or your profession-- he's a COLOGNE COLLECTOR-- seriously. Next. (** hopefully that's a red herring and they'll reveal a much more normal career for Jean Blanc, in which case I will re-evaluate)

JOE: Adorable. I’m already pulling for him.

JOHN: This has to have something to do with a diversity requirement, no? What about John says “good match with Becca”?? NOPE. Sorry, John. Thanks for stopping by.

JORDAN: Too pretty. Looks v dumb. This is merely his route to BIP.

KAMIL: I wish I knew what I would have thought of Kamil if I hadn’t seen “social media participant” before I had formed my opinion of him. But since I haven’t: Boooooo! 👎🏻

LEO: Would probably be way better looking with a man bun. I can respect a man bun; I cannot abide by this shoulder-length coif. 

LINCOLN: I really liked this gent on ATFR, so I’m a little disappointed to see that he apparently is super into drama. BUT I’m immediately over it. Bring on the drama! (so long as you say everything in that delightful accent)

MIKE: No, Mike. Just. NO.

NICK: Who NOSE what to think about Nick? I get a decent vibe from him. Could go far.

RICKEY: *yawn*

RYAN: Love at first sight. I have been pulling for this guy since he strolled out and strummed his way into my heart on ATFR. Not sure he’s Becca’s type, but I hope he does well (and doesn’t burst my bubble of believing he’s delightful).

TRENT: When I was first looking through these pics, my friend said, "Trent looks like he's farting." And now I can't picture him not farting. So, sadly, that's gonna be a no from me, dawg.

WILLS: I don’t love his hair, but I appreciate that he’s dressed sharp. Chris Harrison sounded the Dark Horse Alarm, and I’m willing to get behind that.

So there ya have it. My preliminary thoughts-- based solely on looks and a few quips from their bios. As to how accurate my thoughts are... guess we'll see on Monday!